After All Is Lost
by Misha
Summary: After a horrible accident takes the lives of those Belle loves, she must learn how to go on and how to live again.
1. Prologue

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

Disclaimer- I don't own the characters of "Days of Our Lives", they belong to NBC and a lot of other more money than me. I am not making any money off this story so please don't sue me. 

_Author's Notes- Okay, this isn't really a Shawn/Belle fic, although there are a few elements of that. Mostly this is just a depressing Belle fic as she tries to pick up the pieces of her shattered life. You'll understand what I mean after you read the prologue. Oh, and this story will keep switching from 1st to 3rd person. It was the easiest way to write it. Well, that's enough for now, enjoy._

**Prologue**

Sometimes, I wish I hadn't survived that night. After all, what was the point? I lost almost everything I held dear to me. 

One drunk driver took my best friend, my fiance, his best friend, my brother, three of my other good friends, and the baby I carried. I lost them all at once. 

I remember that night with perfect clarity, but then again, how do you forget the night that your life changed forever? 

Who am I? I'm Belle, otherwise known as Isabella Nadine Black. 

Now let me tell you about that night... I was seventeen, I was a few months away form my eighteenth birthday. I had just graduated from High School the week before and life was going great. Shawn Brady, the only man I'll ever love, had just proposed and I'd found out that I was pregnant. We were scared, but we were also excited about the future that we were planning together. Not that we ever go the chance. 

Anyway, we were in my brother's van, heading towards a week-long, post-graduation vacation in Chicago. That night is **still** so clear...   
* * * * *


	2. Chapter One, Part One

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

_Author's Notes- Okay, I've decided to change the format that so the story will be in four different chapters and each chapter will have a couple parts to it. Between each chapter will be a short PoV interlude. Okay? I hope that helps, enjoy._

Chapter One: The Accident 

**Part One**

"Can someone change the station? I think my brain is starting to rot." Chloe Wesley called out from the very back of the van where she was cuddled close to her boyfriend, Phillip Kiriakis. 

Miriam "Mimi" Lockhart, turned around from the seat in front of her. "That's because your not used to **real** music." 

"If this is real music, then consider me lucky." Chloe muttered. 

Phillip laughed. "I have to agree with Chloe on this one, enough of the battle of the boy bands. Brady, change the station." 

Brady Black, the driver, looked at his girlfriend, Abigail "Abby" Devereaux for approval first. She tore her eyes away from the magazine she was reading long enough to nod. Having gained her approval, and now knowing that he would not suffer major consequences later, he leaned over and put on a rock station. 

"Better?" He asked Chloe. 

"Marginally." She conceded. "It's not opera, but at least it's not teenybopper pop." 

"Teeny-popper pop?" Mimi repeated with an unamused expression. 

Her boyfriend, Jason Welles, patted her hand. "Calm down. Chloe just has different tastes in music than you do." 

Isabella "Belle" Black saw what was about to happen between Chloe and Mimi and chose to interfere. After all, this was no time for Chloe and Mimi to get into another one of their infamous cat-fights. "So is everyone looking forward to Chicago?" 

"Definitely." Chloe agreed, resting her head on Phillip's shoulder. "Are we still switching roommates?" 

Officially, as far as their parents knew, Belle & Chloe, Mimi & Abby, Shawn & Phillip, and Brady & Jason would be rooming together, since that was the only way they could get permission for the trip, but the teens had arranged to switch into couples once they got there. 

"Of course." Abby told her, setting down her magazine, then she grimaced. "Do our parents honestly think that we **aren't** sleeping together? I mean it's kind of obvious that Belle and Shawn are." 

Belle looked down at her gently swelled belly and smiled. She was three and a half months pregnant and both excited and terrified. 

"I don't know, maybe they're trying to prevent repeat occurrences." Brady answered with a grin aimed at his sister. 

"Well, it's stupid." Chloe declared. "If we want to have sex, then we're going to have sex and there's nothing that our parents can do to prevent it from happening. This trip proves that." 

"When did you get so blunt?" Shawn Brady asked curiously. "Aren't you the same girl who made it to fifteen without ever even holding hands with a guy. 

Chloe raised an eyebrow and sent him a look. "I've been dating Phillip Kiriakis for over two years." 

Shawn snickered over her simple statement. "Okay, nuff said." 

Phillip looked wounded. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

Everyone laughed, before he and Chloe had started dating, Phillip had had a reputation for being a major player. Nowadays though he was devoted to Chloe and didn't even look at any other girls, but he had still come into the relationship as the much more experienced party.   
* * * * * 

They stopped for coffee and to get out of the car. The couples split up for a few private moments with their significant others. 

"You seem tense." Jason observed as he and Mimi took a short walk. 

"I am." Mimi answered with a sigh. "There are just so many people in there... Jason, aren't they getting on your nerves?" 

"It's only been three hours." Jason laughed." "Wait until this time next week." 

Mimi groaned. "Oh, God." 

Jason pulled her close to him and kissed her. 

"Don't think about that." He whispered against her lips. "Think about this." 

She sighed again and then surrendered as he kissed her once more.   
* * * * * 

Inside the coffee ship Belle sipped her diet soda. "I still can't believe that we're having a baby." She whispered. 

Shawn took her hand in his and smiled tenderly at her. "Me neither. Belle, we're young, but we'll manage. I love you so much." 

"And I love you." She told him, leaning across the table to kiss him.   
* * * * * 

Across the restaurant, Phillip and Chloe sat close together, talking softly. 

"So when do we tell our parents?" She asked him quietly. 

Phillip groaned. "Do we have to?" 

Chloe smacked him gently. "Of course we have to tell them! Unless you"d like them to just find out on their own, we are going to be living together, after all." 

"I remember." Phillip told her, leaning over to kiss her. "How could I forget? After all, you're the reason I'm going to NYU." 

"Really?" Chloe asked, smiling up at him, her blue eyes full of love. 

"Really." Phillip confirmed. "I couldn't let you go off to New York without me, could I?" 

"Why not?" Chloe asked teasingly. 

"And let some sophisticated New York jerk woo you away from me?" Phillip asked. "Not a chance." He leaned over and kissed her tenderly. "You're mine." 

"And you're mine." Chloe answered, kissing him again briefly. "Do you really think I'd let you out of my sight? No way, you're **way** too tempting a package. Money, brains, athletic charming, a body to kill for, incredibly romantic..." She trailed off as Phillip captured her lips with his again. 

After they pulled away Phillip laughed. "If I'm not letting you go, and you're not letting me go, then..." 

"We're stuck with one another." Chloe answered. "What a shame. We'll just have to find a way to make it bearable." 

Phillip smirked and ran his hands through her long, dark hair as he leaned in to kiss her again. "That could be arranged."   
* * * * * 

Brady and Abbey chose to stay in the van while the others got out. 

"So how did your parents react to Belle's announcement?" Abby asked curiously. "I mean that had to be an intense moment." 

"It was." Brady told her, shuddering with the memory. "Belle made me be there for moral support, or more accurately, to save Shawn if Dad attempted to kill him. Needless to say it was not a fun experience. After Dad and Marlena finished freaking out, Dad very calmly told me that if he found out that we were having sex, he"d kill me." 

Abby smiled slyly as she pulled him towards her. "If you're going to go, you might as well have fun first." 

"My, my, Miss Devereaux are you having dirty thoughts?" Brady asked as he pulled Abby onto his lap and kissed her. 

"Definitely." She replied, linking her arms around his neck and kissing him again.   
* * * * * 

Twenty minutes later they all piled back into the van, all seeming more content. 

"Whose turn to drive?" Brady asked as he and Abby climbed into the very back of the van. 

Since it was a several hour drive to Chicago, they had decided to split the driving into turns. Two of the guys would drive there and the other two would drive home. 

"Mine." Phillip answered as he and Chloe got in the front. 

Mimi looked horrified. "But the driver gets control of the radio!" 

"So?" Belle asked her. "Phillip's the one driving, not Chloe." 

The four guys all burst out laughing. 

"You thing he really has a choice?" Shawn asked her in amusement. "Yeah, right. If Phil didn't let Chloe chose the station he"d have a very long, lonely week ahead of him." 

As if to prove his point Chloe calmly turned the radio to a classical music station and leaned back to enjoy it. 

Mimi buried her head in her hands. "Shoot me." She whispered. 

Jason wrapped an arm around her. "It's not that bad." He comforted at. 

Mimi looked up at him. "It's classical music. _Classical_. How much worse can you get?" 

"I like it." Abby declared. "I mean, the other other stuff does get kind of tiring after a while." 

Belle nodded in agreement and Mimi just groaned again. She had the feeling it would be a very long trip.   
* * * * * 

"Are we almost there?" Belle asked Phillip two hours later, when just about everyone else was asleep. 

"Almost." He answered give it about twenty minutes." 

Chloe opened her eyes. "Give what about twenty minutes?" 

"Give us twenty minutes before we arrive." Phillip told her softly. 

She nodded and was about to close her eyes when she spotted something that made her turn white. 

Phillip and Belle followed her faze and spotted a car driving on the wrong side of the road and heading straight at them at an alarming speed. 

Phillip tried to swerve the van out of the way, but he wasn't quick enough and a minute later Belle heard a crash and a scream and then everything went black.   
* * * * *


	3. Chapter One, Part Two

After All Is Lost   
By Misha **Part Two**

Belle opened her eyes and then blinked. Where was she? 

"Belle!" She heard her mother cry. 

"Mom?" 

"Honey, you're awake!" Marlena Evans said with relief before standing up form her chair. "I have to go get your father." 

Before Belle could ask what was going on her mother had raced form the room, a minute later she reappeared with Belle's father, John Black. 

"How are you feeling, Izzy?" John asked in a concerned tone. 

"Confused." Belle answered. "Why am I in the hospital?" 

John and Marlena exchanged concerned glances. 

"Belle, there was an accident." Marlena said softly. "A drunk driver hit the van and sent both cars into a ditch." 

"He was driving on the wrong side of the road. Phillip tired to avoid him." Belle remembered dimly. 

She looked up at her parents and then she looked down at her stomach, sensing that something was wrong. "The baby?" She asked softly, desperately. 

"Honey, you lost the baby." John told her quietly. 

Belle started to cry. "No!" 

Marlena reached out and patted her hand. "Honey, there's more. The others weren't as lucky. Five of the people in the van were killed in the accident, the other two are still in comas." 

"Who?" Belle asked softly. "Where's Shawn?" 

"Honey, Shawn's dead." Marlena told her in a quiet tone. 

Belle began to sob even harder. "No! I can't lose both Shawn and our baby! I can't!" 

Marlena hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry, darling." 

Belle pulled away and looked up at her mother with tear-filled eyes. "Who else survived?" 

"Chloe and Jason, but they're both critical." 

"Brady's gone?" Belle asked. "My brother's dead?" 

Her fiance was dead, her brother, three of her closest friends, her best friend was in a coma, and she had lost her baby. 

"It isn't fair." She sobbed, turning away from her parents.   
* * * * * 

The next day, it still hadn't sunk in. 

But the physical damage of the accident had. 

She had had emergency surgery when she had arrived at the hospital to stop the internal bleeding, that was when she had lost the baby, and she had been in a a coma for over a week, she had also broken most of her ribs and her right arm. 

Still, she had been the lucky one. 

She had found out from her parents that Shawn, Abby, and Brady had been killed on impact, but that Phillip and Mimi had still been alive when they were found. Mimi had died in the ambulance and Phillip hadn't survived surgery. 

It didn't seem real. She looked at the picture she had asked her parents to bring to her room. It was a group picture taken right after graduation. 

How happy they looked. Now Phillip, Mimi, Brady, Shawn, and Abby were all gone, and Chloe and Jason might join them. 

But she was still alive. 

"Why?" She whispered. "Why did I live when they all died? Why did I have to lose them all?"   
* * * * * 

"Chloe's awake." Marlena told Belle that night. "Do you want to see her?" 

Belle nodded. "Yeah, so she'll recover?" 

Marlena sighed. "We're not sure yet, but we think so. She's still in pretty rough shape, but at least she's regained consciousness." 

"Does she know, about the accident, I mean." 

"No." Marlena said quietly. "Nancy didn't know how to tell her." 

"I want to." Belle said softly. "I'm her best friend, I share her loss, I want to tell her." 

"Alright." Marlena agreed. "I'll ask the Wesley's, but I'm sure they'll agree."   
* * * * * 

Belle sat in a chair by Chloe's bed, unable to believe that it was Chloe who lay beside her. She looked so pale and she was hooked up to a ton of machines. 

"Belle?" Chloe whispered. "What happened? Nancy told me that there was a car accident, but she wouldn't say anything else." 

Belle took a deep breath. "Chloe, you, Jason, and I were the only survivors." 

"No." Chloe whispered. "Phillip." She started to cry and Belle felt her pain. 

"It's hard, isn't it?" Belle whispered. 

Chloe nodded. "Belle, I'm sorry... You lost Shawn, didn't you?" 

Belle nodded. "Yes." 

"But at least you'll have his child." 

"No." Belle corrected her softly. "I won't." 

Chloe stared at her in horror. "You lost the baby? I'm so sorry, Belle!" 

"It's okay." Belle whispered. 

"So, what happened?" Chloe asked. 

"The car, the one that was driving on the wrong side of the road, the driver was drunk. It hit us and we ended up in the the ditch. Shawn, Abby, and Brady died on impact. But when a passerby found us about ten minutes after the crash, we were all out, but the rest of us were still alive. Mimi didn't even make it to the hospital and Phillip... He died in surgery." 

Chloe bit back another sob and Belle reached out and took her hand, not saying another word. The two sat in silence, just leaning on one another for the strength to survive this tragedy.   
* * * * *


	4. Chapter One, Interlude

**Interlude**

That night was the last time I ever talked to Chloe. She slipped back into her coma soon after I left her room and died at 4:44 the next morning. 

I had lost one more of the people I held dearest to my heart. Chloe had been my best friend since soon after she moved to Salem in our sophomore year of high school. 

I was discharged from the hospital in time for her funeral and watched as they buried her next to Phillip. 

Their families had decided that that was what they both would have wanted. They had been so much in love and I believe it was learning about his death that had taken the last of Chloe's strength away. 

Chloe adored Phillip, he had been everything to her. She had faced so much pain in her short life and was a stronger person for it, but this was a pain that nothing could heal. 

After the funeral I stood at the cemetery and looked at the fresh graves. 

Miriam Jane Lockhart, Shawn-Douglas Brady, Phillip Robert Kiriakis, Abigail Laura Devereaux, Brady Victor Black, and Chloe Megan Lane Wesley. 

I loved them all and I had lost them all. Friends, brother, lover... They were all gone. 

And there was one more to fall. 

Jason Patrick Welles never came out of his coma and instead died just three days after Chloe and once again I stood in the cemetery and gazed at the graves of the friends who were taken from me. 

They were gone and I was alone. Forever. That was the hardest part, learning to move on on my own...   
* * * * *


	5. Chapter Two, Part One

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

Chapter Two: Aftermath **Part One**

Belle sat at her bedroom window, just staring out of it and thinking about all that she had lost. 

Everywhere she went she saw them. It was still so hard to believe that they were all gone. 

And the way everyone else treated her... It was almost as if all that remained of her family and friends were afraid to breathe in front of her, in case it upset her. 

And no one mentioned any of the dead. Her parents had even removed all the pictures of Brady from the living room to make it easier on her. 

Belle sighed, didn't they realise that they were just making it harder? That she didn't **want** to forget about them? She loved them and she wanted to remember them. Being expected to forget just made it harder. 

But try telling that to anyone. Every time she began to, they changed the subject. If she so much as mentioned the accident or any of her friends, they either changed the subject or left the room. 

_They don't realise how much harder they make it,_ Belle realised sadly, _no one does._   
* * * * * 

Belle snuck out of the penthouse, unable to handle another minute of being expected to pretend that the accident had never happened and that she hadn't lost everything that was dear to her. 

She started walking towards the cemetery, unable to stop herself. 

A few minutes later she was standing in front of Brady's grave. They had considered burying him in Italy with his mother, but in the end they had decided that he would have rather been buried in Salem beside Abby. 

"Brady.." She whispered, tears clouding her vision at the thought of never seeing her beloved big brother again. Or Abby, who she believed would have one day been her sister-in-law. 

The tears started to fall down her face at the thought of the life that Brady and Abby might have had if they had only been given the chance and she turned towards another set of graves. 

Jason and Mimi. When they had gotten together it had surprised her, but in time she had realised how good they were for one another. They were the least serious of the four couples, but it had been easy to see that they were heavily involved and she knew that they would be glad that their families had also chosen to bury them side by side. Besides, who knew what might have been? 

She smiled sadly at the thought of the pretty girl with light brown hair and the handsome blond football player and the memory of how happy they had been together. 

"We'll never know what would have happened." She whispered. "But I believe that you would have been happy." 

She turned from Mimi and Jason's grave and made the short walk to the place where Chloe and Phillip would rest for eternity. 

Being here, being allowed to think about them, to miss them, made it easier. She felt more at ease than she had since the accident. 

She stood in front of Chloe and Phillip's graves and looked down at the, with tears in her eyes. 

"I love you both." Belle said softly. "But I know you're happier this way. It's what you always wanted, isn't it? To be together." 

It had seemed like an odd match at first. The stuck-up jock and the leader of the in crowd in love with the the reclusive, opera singing outcast? It sounded strange, but when you saw them together it was easy to see how right they were for one another. 

_Life could have held so much for them._ She thought sadly. 

She found herself thinking of the look in their eyes as they danced in one another's arms at the senior prom after they were named as Prom King and Queen. 

"You always were his queen." She whispered with a smile. 

Phillip had been called 'King Kiriakis' because of his wealthy parents and his stuck up attitude, long after he changed the name had still stuck. And Chloe had been dubbed the 'the Queen' because no one doubted that she one day would have been. 

"But we never got to see it." Belle whispered. "Chloe, why did this happen? Why did you leave? I needed you. It would have been bearable if you had survived too." 

Her friend **should** have survived the accident, Belle had honestly believed that she would, but she hadn't been strong enough. The news about Phillip had killed her. 

_It's my fault,_ Belle thought numbly, _if I had only waited until she was stronger to tell her..._

She shook her head, afraid she'd fall apart right there if she thought thought about it any longer. 

She turned from Chloe and Phillip's resting spot, a picture of a blond haired king and his beautiful dark queen stuck in her mind, and walked towards the final grave. 

She knelt there, tears streaming down her face as she thought about it. He was gone. Shawn, her one love, was lost to her forever. 

"I love you, forever." She whispered, lost in the memory of warm dark eyes and a grin that could make you melt. 

_Will I ever be able to let go?_ She thought sadly, picturing all of them in her mind the way they had been only a few weeks before. 

Brady, the handsome rebel with a heart of gold. 

Abby, the delicate vixen who loved to have a good time. 

Mimi, the good natured gossip who would do anything for a friend. 

Jason, the once shallow and petty jock who had turned out to be a pretty nice guy after all. 

Phillip, the king of his school who had learnt that there was more to life than popularity, money, and sports. 

Chloe, the mysterious girl who had taught him that most important of lessons and who at the same time had learned to open her heart. 

Shawn, the handsome 'tough boy' who had been so good and kind and who had been everyone's friend. 

And even herself, the beautiful and happy 'perfect girl' who had never had a mean thought about anyone in her life and who everyone had wanted to be like. That girl had been lost along with the people that she had loved so much. 

"Why?" She whispered, looking up at the sky. "Why were they all taken from me?"   
* * * * * 

"I'm so worried about her." Marlena told John softly. "All she does now is lock herself in her room or go for long, solitary walks. And we _know_ where she goes when she's on those." 

"What do we do?" John asked her. 

Marlena sighed. "I don't know. I thought that not reminding her of her grief until she had time to heal was a good idea, but now... Maybe we should talk to her about what happened." 

"Do you think that will help?" John asked quietly. 

"I hope so." Marlena told him, closing her eyes for a brief second. "Because I don't know what else to do. I thought that just loving her and supporting her would help, but... I don't think our love is enough." 

"It should be." John said harshly. "We're her parents." 

"I know." Marlena said sadly. "But that's not enough for her, not anymore. She's a grown woman, one whose lost the life she was building for herself. She loves us, she always will, but she's not our baby any more. She's Shawn's fiance, Brady's sister, Chloe's best friend, and the mother of a baby that never got to be born. Those things are the things that she wanted to be more than anything else, the things that were taken from her. We can't compete with that. We just have to help her. I understand now that to do that, we have to let her mourn them openly and just help her deal with her grief, instead of forcing her to hide it."   
* * * * *


	6. Chapter Two, Part Two

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

_Author's Notes- Okay, this is depressing, but then again most of this fic is depressing. In this part, Belle listens to "On My Own" from "Les Miserables" and remembers what she lost. That'll be the pattern for the next few parts, Belle remembering everything that is gone now. It won't be that way forever, but for the rest of this chapter and the beginning of the next, that will be the main focus. But I promise this will have a semi-happy ending. Not the one that the Shelle fans will want, but not nearly as depressing as the rest of the fic. Now, I hope you like this part!_

**Part Two**

Belle pressed play on her tape deck, needing music to lose herself in. 

_Maybe, I should play something else._ She thought as the opening bars of "On My Own" began to play. 

But then she decided against it, after all this was the perfect song for a walk down memory lane. 

_"And now I'm all alone again   
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to   
Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to   
And now the night is near,   
Now I can make believe he's here."_

As Chloe's beautiful voice filled the room, she wondered again at the wisdom of playing it. After all, she was supposed to let go of her friend's memories, yet she couldn't resist. 

Chloe had had the most beautiful voice she had ever heard and as she listened to her friend sing she was carried away with the emotions of the song and with the memories. 

She suddenly remembered the first time she had ever heard Chloe sing this song. It seemed so long ago now... 

_Belle stared in shock as Chloe stood on the stage in front of everyone at the Kiriakis' Christmas party at Tuscany. _

"I didn't know she was going to sing." She whispered to Shawn in surprise. 

"I didn't either." Shawn whispered, just as surprised as she was. 

Belle looked towards Phillip and was surprised to see that even he was shocked by Chloe's action. 

"Hello." She said quietly, from the front of the room. "I couldn't think of what to get someone close to me for Christmas and then Mr. Kiriakis suggested this, so here goes. Phillip, Merry Christmas, this is for you." 

Belle saw Phillip's handsome face light up in pleasure when he realised that his girlfriend was doing this just for him. 

Belle looked at Shawn and wished suddenly that she could do something like this for him, being able to have one talent that she could use to give him a special and personalised gift. 

She pushed the thought away and instead concentrated on Chloe. She was singing "On My Own" from "Les Miserables" and Belle was spellbound. She had heard the song countless times before, but there was something about the way Chloe sang... 

Belle blinked back a tear at the memory. It was hard to believe that was only eighteen months ago, it seemed like years now. 

She smiled sadly and returned her attention to listening to the song and to her best friend's hauntingly captivating voice. 

_"Sometimes I walk alone at night   
When everybody else is sleeping   
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping   
The city goes to bed,   
And I can live inside my head"_

As she listened to the song, she kept on picturing Chloe in her mind. 

Hearing her voice made it hard to believe that she was gone. That the unbelievable talent she had possessed was lost forever. 

The thought made Belle bite her lip to keep tears back. It didn't seem fair, that Chloe had never gotten to share her gift with the world. 

It was then that she found herself lost in another memory... 

_"Okay, where do you see yourself in ten years?" Abby asked as the four girls lay around Belle's bedroom during a slumber party. "I personally plan on being a writer, living somewhere exotic, and being married with at least one kid." _

Mimi looked up from the floor and smiled. "I hope I'll be married with a least one child, I want to be a journalist, and living in New York or London, somewhere big and exciting." 

Belle smiled at how predictably Meems that was. "Well, I think I'll be married to Shawn." 

"Duh!" Abby and Chloe said at the same time before bursting out laughing. 

Belle pretend to be hurt before giggling herself and continuing. "I want three kids. Two girls and a boy. Shawn'll be a cop and I'll be a doctor and we'll be living here in Salem." 

"You've got it all planned out, haven't you?" Chloe asked with a smile. 

Belle blushed. "I guess. What about you, where do you see yourself Chloe?" 

Chloe smiled dreamily. "Well, I'd like to be singing on Broadway by that point, living in New York, and... I guess I see myself married to Phillip with a little girl." 

Belle smiled. "Anyone who looks at you two can see that will happen. You'll definitely be Mrs. Kiriakis one day." 

Except she wouldn't be, Belle realised sadly. None of the predictions they had come with that night would ever come true. 

It wasn't fair. They should have gotten to have the futures they had dreamed of! 

But they hadn't, they never would. It had all ended before any of them really got to live. Even her, for even though she still had her life, what was it worth without them? 

_"On my own, pretending he's beside me   
All alone I walk with him 'til morning   
Without him I feel his arms around me   
And when I lose my way   
I close my eyes and he has found me"_

Belle pictured Shawn suddenly and almost cried when the image came. He was so handsome, so young. 

What they could have had together... What they _would_ have had together. If they had only be given the chance. 

Listening to this song made her remember him all the more and wish he was with her. 

She glanced up to the wall where she had pasted pictures of her friends in tribute. As she gazed at them she thought about the day that they had been taken... 

_"Please?" Abby begged Chloe, holding a new and expensive camera in her hands. _

"No!" Chloe exclaimed, backing away. "I hate being photographed." 

Abby pouted and looked ready to protest again. 

Then Phillip intervened. "Let me try." He told Abby, turning towards his girlfriend with a loving smile. "Honey, let Abby take your picture." 

Chloe glared at him. "No." 

"Chloe," Phillip began quietly, "you'll have to get used to it eventually. After all, you want to be a singer. Plus, you know that in time, especially as we get older, the press is going to pay attention to you as my girl. Why not try to get use to it now, when you're among friends?" 

Chloe sighed. "Fine." 

"Great!" Abby exclaimed, shooting Phillip a thankful look. 

She then picked up her camera and pointed it towards Chloe. "Smile." She instructed. 

Chloe shot her a 'yeah, right' look, but managed a half-smile as Abby clicked the picture. 

Belle smiled at the memory. Despite Chloe's reluctance the photo that Abby had taken of her had been one of the best. And she was glad now that Abby had taken it, because it was something that she would always have to remember her best friend by. 

A portrait of a girl lost forever, of seven teenagers gone before they had a chance to live... 

_"In the rain the pavement shines like silver   
All the lights are misty in the river   
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight   
And all I see is him and me forever and forever"_

Belle wondered suddenly when Chloe had sung this song for the last time. After all, it had been one of her favourites so she sang it often. 

Had it been at home, singing in it the shower? Had she sung in the privacy of her own room, dreaming of the day when she sang it for real in a theatre full of people waiting for her to tell a story with her beautiful voice? 

Or had she sung it to Phillip, her beautiful voice tender, and her blue eyes full of love? 

Belle believed that it had been that one, after all Phillip had loved the song and hearing Chloe sing it. It wasn't **their** song, but it was still special to both their hearts. 

Belle closed her eyes for a moment, trying to remember what Chloe and Phillip's song had been. 

Mimi and Jason's had been "Amazed" by Lonestar, she remembered with a sad smile. Abby and Brady's had been "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith, Belle recalled dimly, as if it had been years since she had last seen them dance to it instead of mere weeks. 

Suddenly she remembered that Phillip and Chloe's song had been "I Need You" by LeAnn Rhimes. It had been first song they had ever danced to and it had suited them, just like her and Shawn's song had suited them... 

Her eyes filled with tears as she remember precious moments spent in Shawn's arms as they listened to "Back At One" by Brian McKnight. That had been **their** song for so long. 

_I'll never be able to listen to it again without thinking of him._ She realised suddenly, tears coming to her eyes. 

She'd never be able to listen to any of those songs again without thinking about the times before the accident, those happy and carefree days that were gone forever... 

_"And I know it's only in my mind   
That I'm talking to myself and not to him   
And although I know that he is blind,   
Still I say there's a way for us"_

She felt so alone now. As if there was nothing left for her. 

She knew that she still had her parents and lots of other people who cared for her. But that didn't matter. She didn't want them, she wanted what she had lost. 

She was no longer a little girl who could take comfort in her parents embrace, no matter what the cause of the pain. She was a grown woman now and she wanted what she no longer had. 

It was Shawn's arms she wanted to run to, not her father's. And it wasn't her mother who she wanted to cry out her trouble to and ask for advice, it was Chloe. 

But she could do neither of those things ever again. They were gone. 

_"I love him,   
But when the night is over,   
He is gone,   
The river's just a river   
Without him   
The world around me changes,   
The trees are bare   
And ev'rywhere the streets are full of strangers"_

The line of the song made her think of Shawn. He was in her dreams every night and had been since the accident. When she slept, she could pretend that everything was alright and that he was still with her. That nothing had changed. 

Unfortunately, she always woke up again in the morning and she always remembered that things _had_ changed and that they could never go back to being the way they were. 

_"I love him but ev'ry day I'm learning   
All my life I've only been pretending   
Without me his world will go on turning   
The world is full of happiness that I have never known"_

Belle could sense the sadness in Chloe's voice and wondered what she had thought about when she had sung this song. 

_Probably the days before she came to Salem._ She thought, remembering her friend's unhappy childhood. _Or those first few months in Salem._

But, even though she wasn't sure where the sadness came from, she knew who Chloe thought of when she sang. Phillip, always Phillip. He had been the only one in the world for her. 

Just like Shawn had been the one for Belle... 

_And neither of us got a happy ending, did we?_ Belle thought sadly. 

It was true, Chloe and Phillip were together now, but in death, not life like they had hoped. 

And Shawn had been taken from Belle, leaving her alone for the rest of her life, because she knew she'd never find anyone else like him as long as she lived. 

_"I love him,   
I love him,   
I love him, but only on my own."_

As the song ended, the last lines kept replaying in Belle's head. 

'I love him, but only on my own.' 

She was on her own. All alone, for now and the rest of time. All that she had had, all that she had loved, they were gone now. And it wasn't coming back. 

All she had left were the memories. The memories of happier times with the people that she had loved...   
* * * * *


	7. Chapter Two, Part Three

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

_Author's Note- Okay this part is **really** short, but it was all that I could think of. I hope you enjoy it. Also, suicide is a very real and serious subject and anyone who is having thoughts of killing themself should seek help immediately, whether it be a friend, teacher, parent, psychiatrist or what ever. Just talk to someone._

**_WARNING- This Part contains talks of suicide and if that offends you, please do not read._**

**Part Three**

_A Few Months Later_

Belle sat in her room, thinking about the events of the last few months. The summer had passed by slowly, as reality had begun to sink in and Belle had realised that it wasn't a horrible dream and that her friends were really gone. 

She had cut herself off from everything, unable to deal with the fact that everyone expected her to move on. 

Her grief had been too new, too raw for her to be able to put it aside then. She had spent most of the summer alone, visiting the cemetery, and remembering the good times. By thinking about all the wonderful memories that they shared, she could almost pretend they weren't gone. But they were and she knew that soon she'd have to start letting go. Still, for the time being, she had lost herself in her memories and focused on the good times. 

And then, September came, and now it was the day she had been dreading for months. Chloe's birthday. All she could think about was the fact that she should be here. But she wasn't. She never would be again. 

The pain welled up in her, as she faced the realisation that for the rest of her life she would have to deal with birthdays, Christmases, and anniversaries knowing that she would never see any of them again. They were gone, yet she was alive. 

For some reason she had been given the burden of living. Belle raised her hand to her mouth at that. Burdened with living. Never before had she thought that, she had always loved life. 

But now... What was life now? Could you even call it life? There was nothing left. Chloe's birthday just proved to remind her of that. She had lost everything that night, everything that had meant anything to her. 

Suddenly, her eyes fell on the sleeping pills that had been prescribed since she had had a hard time sleeping since the accident. 

_I couldn't,_ she thought, but at the same time she reached for the pills. 

She knew that suicide was wrong, but it would solve all her problems. She would no longer have to deal with everything, she could end all the pain and misery... 

Before she could stop herself, she took the lid off the bottle of pills and poured them into her hand. 

_Here goes,_ she thought as she brought her hand to mouth and swallowed the pills. 

She knew that soon they would set in and it would be all over. She would be with them.   
* * * * *


	8. Chapter Two, Interlude

**Interlude**

Obviously, I didn't die from my suicide attempt. 

My mother found me and called 911 before the pills could kill me. My stomach was pumped and I had to stay in the hospital for a few days. 

My taking the pills made my parents realise I needed help, so they decided to send me to a therapist. They told me that it was in my best interests, that it would help me cope with what had happened, and I was too emotionally exhausted to argue. 

So, I went to therapy and I began to deal with all that had happened. And after I learnt to move on. That was the scariest part.   
* * * * *


	9. Chapter Three, Part One

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

_Author's Notes- Okay, this chapter is going to include a lot of fantasies, flashbacks, and diary entries as Belle begins to deal with the accident. All of these will be in italics, but to tell flashbacks and fantasies apart, fantasies will have ~*~ at the beginning and end. Okay? That's all for now, enjoy._

Chapter Three: Learning to Move On 

**Part One**

"Do you ever think about what might have happened if the accident hadn't occurred?" Dr. Jackson, the therapist Belle was seeing, asked. 

"Every day." 

"What kind of things do you think about?" 

"Well, sometimes I think about how Shawn and I would have been married by now, or how I'd be seven months pregnant now, if the accident hadn't happened." 

"That's natural." The doctor assured her. "Do you ever think further in the future than that?" 

"Yeah." Belle said softly. "Sometimes, I think about how the plans we had and all the dreams and think about how things would have turned out." 

"Explain." The doctor urged. 

Belle smiled. "I guess, I just think about what our futures would have been like had they all lived. I can see the different events so clearly." 

"Describe one to me." The doctor urged softly. 

Belle smiled and closed her eyes, as she began to describe one of the scenes she imagined so often... 

~*~   
_"How do I look?" The bride-to-be asked nervously, carefully touching her hair. _

"You look gorgeous." Belle assured her. "Like a queen." 

"She's right." Abby agreed. "Phillip's not going to know what hit him." 

Chloe blushed. "You really think so?" 

"We don't think so, we **know** so." Mimi told her with a grin. "Chloe, you look sensational." 

"Well, you guys don't look that shabby yourselves." The bride said with a grin. 

"I'm not so sure about that." Abby said with a groan, putting her hands on her six-months pregnant stomach. "I feel like a whale." 

"A beautiful whale." Belle soothed. "Abby you look gorgeous, you're glowing." 

"She's right." Mimi said. "Pregnancy suits you." 

"Does it suit me?" Chloe asked with a mischievous grin. 

All three of them turned to stare at her. 

"Do you mean?" Belle asked in surprise. 

Chloe nodded. "Yes. We just found out." 

"Oh, Chloe!" Belle threw her arms around her best friend. "I'm so happy. That's great." 

"It is." Mimi agreed. "But I'm beginning to feel left out." 

"Ah, poor Mimi." Abby teased. "The only one of us still not married, you just have to get that boyfriend of yours to propose." 

Mimi blushed and sheepishly held out her left hand. For the first time the other three noticed the emerald engagement ring now resting there. 

"Jason proposed!" Belle squealed. "When did **that** happen?" 

"Last night." Mimi admitted. 

"The last has fallen." Chloe said with a sigh. "We've all grown up haven't we?" 

"We have and it's better than we ever imagined, isn't it?" Belle asked with a smile. 

"It is." Mimi agreed. "It's everything we ever wanted." 

"That's true." Chloe told her. "Our lives are coming together, just like we dreamed, and the best part is that we still have one another." 

"Forever." Abby told her. "Now, I think it's time for a group hug!" 

The others laughed and complied.   
~*~ 

"Why that day in particular?" The doctor asked. 

Belle sighed. "I don't know. I guess I just tend to think about the happy times we would have had." 

"But why Chloe's wedding day, why not your own?" 

"I try not to think about my wedding day." Belle said softly. "It's too painful. Maybe because it was all planned out." 

"That leads me to my next question." Dr. Jackson said quietly. "Your wedding was supposed to take place on August 19th, right?" 

"Right." Belle said with a nod. 

"Yet, your suicide attempt came a few weeks later. September 12th, which would have been Chloe Wesley's birthday, correct?" 

"Yeah." Belle agreed, wondering what the doctor was getting at. 

"So, why was it your best friend's birthday, not the day that was supposed to be your wedding day, that sent you over the edge?" 

"Because my parents didn't let me out of their sight that day." Belle said softly. "They were afraid that I'd do something drastic, so they kept a careful watch on me. Besides, I was too numb to even think of killing myself. All I could think of was what **should** have been. But on Chloe's birthday, my parents obviously didn't think I was in danger so they left me alone, and all the pain and loneliness came flooding back. Suddenly, I couldn't cope with having nothing left." 

The doctor nodded. "That makes sense. Thank you Belle." She glanced at her watch. "Well, our session today is almost over. I'll see you in three days, alright?" 

"Alright." Belle agreed, standing up. 

"Before you go," the doctor said suddenly, "I have one request. I'd like you to begin a journal focusing on your feelings about the accident, your dreams, fantasies, and even your memories of your friends. Can you do that for me?" 

Belle nodded, knowing that she really did have a choice. Besides, maybe writing it all down would help her.   
* * * * *


	10. Chapter Three, Part Two

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

_Author's Notes- This one is a look into Belle's head so that you can see what is going on. It's all diary entries as she talks about what she's feelings and the impact of the accident. This chapters, the one dealing with helping her recover mentally and emotionally, from the accident is probably going to be the longest. I think there'll be another three or four parts to this chapter, then the last chapter with two parts to it, then _

After All Is Lost will be over. Anyway, that's all for now, enjoy! 

**Part Two**

_Dear Journal, _

I talked to Mom about Dr. Jackson's assignment and she said the best thing would be for me to choose a different topic for each entry and write my feelings about that topic. 

I'm going to start with Shawn. That's probably going to be the topic you hear the most about Shawn. And Chloe. I just miss them so much. 

Anyway, about Shawn. Well, I miss him so much. 

You see, I knew him my entire life and I think I loved him just as long. Even though it took us forever to get together. But when we did... It was magical. Being with Shawn was everything I always dreamed of. It was perfect. 

Maybe that's why it didn't last. Because there is no such thing as perfection in this world and no such thing as happy endings. I know that now. 

You see, all the faith I had in happy endings died along with the most important people in my life. Along with Shawn and my baby. 

Losing him was like losing part of myself. Shawn was my other half, my soul mate and I don't know what I'll do without him. I think I could have born it if the baby had survived, that way at least I'd have a piece of him with me still, but... No, I lost them both along with everything else. 

But back to Shawn. I think about him all the time, I dream about the life we would have had together. And it hurts. More than I could have imagined that it was possible to hurt. 

And more than the pain, I feel so empty, as if there's nothing left. And there isn't. I'm having a hard time keeping this on track, but I guess that's okay, Ôcause my thoughts tend to jump from subject to subject. 

Well, I don't what else to say right now, so I'll end this entry. 

I'll Write More Soon,   
Belle   
* * * * * 

_Dear Journal, _

Here's my entry for the day. 

This time, I thought I'd write about Chloe. She was my best friend. 

When she moved here, I went out of my way to make her feel welcome and a bond developed. Somewhere along the line she became the closest friend I've ever had, way closer than Mimi ever was. 

Chloe and I shared everything. She told me every detail about her relationship with Phillip and when Shawn and I **finally** got together, Chloe was the one I gossiped with about it. 

I think that one of the reasons Chloe and I were so close is because we were so different, she was the yin to my yang, the spice to my sugar. We were an odd pair, yet... There was a connection there. 

I understood Chloe and she understood me. We had a bond. A bond that I don't think I'll ever find again. Just like I'll never love anyone like I loved Shawn, I'll never find another friend like Chloe. 

I just want to know what I'm going to do without her. I mean, everyday I pick up the phone to call her or I think //I've **got** to tell Chloe about this//, then, I remember that she's gone. That I'll never to her again, that we'll never gossip or share details about our respective loves lives again. We'll never talk about our futures again. We'll never to get live those futures. 

It's scary. And in some ways losing her was as hard as losing Shawn and my baby. I think I could have survived if I had lost them, but still had her. I could have gotten comfort her and had her there to support me, but... 

Now I don't have either of them and I feel like there's nothing left. 

The reason I took the pills that day, on Chloe's birthday, because it reminded me that I have nothing left and I wondered why I would want to live, when I had nothing to live for. 

I still wonder about that,   
Belle   
* * * * * 

_Dear Journal, _

Today I'm going to touch on a subject that Dr. Jackson asked me about in one of my first sessions, my life before the accident. 

Was I happy? Yes. I had everything I wanted. I was in love, I was getting married, I was going to have a baby. I had great friends and a loving family. I had my whole life planned out. 

Then... It all ended. In a few minutes I lost everything. One drunk driver took that from me. 

Do I hate him? Yes. 

I know I shouldn't and before the accident I would never have **dreamed** of anyone. But then again, before the accident I had no reason **to** hate anyone. Now I do. 

I hate him because his stupid decision, took away everything I cared about. **He's** the one that decided to drink and drive, yet, I paid the price? How is that fair? How is it fair that I suffered because of his choice? 

I planned on writing more about my life before the accident, but I can't focus on that. All I can focus on right now if my anger. 

My anger at the fact that that man ruined my life and the lives of countless others and came away with only a few scratches, how is that fair? And how I could help but hate him? 

After all, if it wasn't for him, I'd still have Shawn, my baby, Chloe, and the others. But I don't, he took them away from me. 

So of course I hate him, who wouldn't? 

Belle   
* * * * *


	11. Chapter Three, Part Three

After All Is Lost   
by Misha 

_Author's Notes- This part is really short, but it seemed like the best way to end Chapter Three. After this, there's only a little bit left, before "After All Is Lost" is done. I hope that you guys have enjoyed it, because I have to admit that this is one my personal favourites of my stories. Well, that's all for now, enjoy!_

**Part Three**

_A Month Later_

"Do you still think that you have no reason left to live?" Dr. Jackson asked. 

Belle thought for a moment. "Sometimes. Sometimes, I wonder why I lived when they all died. But other times, I think about how Chloe and Shawn would have wanted me to go on. They would have wanted me to have a life after them, but it's so hard." 

"What's the hardest thing?" Dr. Jackson asked. 

"The fact that I keep thinking about what **should** happen. I keep thinking about what would have happened had the accident never occurred and that's hard. It's so hard thinking about the life I would have had if only things had been different." 

"It always is." Dr. Jackson told her. "Belle, if Shawn, Chloe, and the others could see you what do you think they'd say." 

Belle smiled sadly. "I think... I think they'd tell me to shape up. That even though they're gone, I have to live again. I don't think that they'd like the fact that I've stopped living since they died." 

Belle paused. For the first time since the accident, things were really clear. 

"I think... Maybe I did lose a lot of the people I loved in the accident. Maybe it did change life forever, but... _I'm_ still here. That drunk driver robbed me of a lot of what I held dear, but I still have my life. That's really important, isn't it?" 

"Yes." Dr. Jackson said with a smile. "No matter what you've lost, you still live. That's incredibly important and you've made an incredible breakthrough by realising that." 

"I have to admit it feels different now that I realise that." Belle told her. "I mean, I'm still grieving, but... Now I realise that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. That someday, I'll get past the grief, and learn to live again."   
* * * * *


	12. Chapter Three, Interlude

**Interlude**

And I am learning to. It's hard. Like I said, there are times when I still wish that I had died that night. 

But... Though those times are becoming fewer and fewer. I lost a lot the night of the accident, but I didn't lose everything. I still had my life. I just had to rebuild it. 

And I am, one step at a time. It's not the life I had before the accident, it never will be. But it's life and more than that, it's **my** life. 

Now that I've realised that and that I've made major steps towards my recovery, there's only one thing left me to do. 

I have to let go. It'll be hard. But I'll do it. 

I'll finally say goodbye.   
* * * * *


	13. Chapter Four

After All Is Lost   
By Misha 

_Author's Notes- This is only going to be the only Chapter that doesn't have more than one part to it. I had planned on making this one have at least two parts, like the others. But then I decided that it fit better this way, sorry it's so short. Also, this is the very end of After All Is Lost. I've been working on this story since November and it seems weird to know that this is the end, but I knew it had to come sometime. So, this is it. I really hope that you've enjoyed this story and thank you for all the wonderful feedback that I've gotten for it. It means a lot to me to know that you guys have like this story. I changed the ending a bit after the tragedy at the WTC and the Pentagon. This chapter, and all of After All Is Lost, is dedicated to those who lost loved ones today in that horrible tragedy._

**Chapter Four: Letting Go**

Belle walked through the cemetery towards the graves of her loves ones. She had done this a million times since the accident, but today was different. 

Today, she was truly saying goodbye. It had been almost two years since the accident and she was finally ready to let them go. She had finally accepted that they were really gone and that nothing was going to bring them back to her. 

She stopped by each of their graves in turn, thinking about the friends that she had lost. 

It was a horrible tragedy. They had all been so young, had had so much potential. But, sad as it was, tragedies like that happened all the time. 

No one got to choose when their life ended, you had to enjoy the time you had, because you never knew when it would be over. And her friends **had** enjoyed their lives. Yes, there was a lot that they had never got to do, but... 

They hadn't wasted what little time they did have and that was saying a lot. Not enough people lived life to the fullest, but they did. 

They enjoyed each day as if it was there last. She only hoped hat most people could say the same thing. 

She looked at the graves of her the people she loved and lost, and stood there for a moment, thinking of not only them, but of everyone who lost their life to soon. 

She thought of those dead in tragic accidents, of horrible illnesses, or by human hand. For all those people who had been robbed of their lives. None of them deserved it. 

But you couldn't choose what happened to you in life, she knew that now. You just had to deal with the hand that God gave you. If the accident had taught her anything, it was that. 

"I love you." She whispered, as she knelt by Shawn's grave. "I love you all, but you, you are the dearest to me. I loved you so much and it hurts so much to be without you, but I will survive. It'll take time, I know that, but I'll do it. I'll live again. But I'll never forget, any of yous. I'll always love you." 

With that she stood up and walked away. It wasn't easy to move on, but she knew that she had to do it. 

After all, that was the only way she'd ever heal. 

If she let go. 

The End


End file.
